Tuesday, February 12, 2008

OH ... MY ... DAD ... !!!

Yahweh delivered this ironic day-of-rest smackdown to his 
Son this Sunday in Rio.

Jesus, as always, could not be reached for comment.

Maybe Christ was still busy writing up Mike Huckabee's
300 million person fast food delivery order.  Really Mike, I'm  
sure he could have done an electronic transfer, despite the
obvious inflationary pressure that that many loaves and fishes 
would have caused.

Psst, the next time you're in an idol smiting mood, look into these 
fools. (I Google-mapped it for you Lord).  

Pirate Awareness Alert


Piracy attacks rise 14% as Nigerian and Somalian coasts become more dangerous
London, 16 October 2007

Piracy and armed robbery attacks against ships rose 14% in the first nine months of the year compared to the same period in 2006, the second consecutive quarterly increase in attacks, as the coastal waters off Nigeria and Somalia became ever more dangerous, the International Maritime Bureau (IMB) reported today.

In the first nine months of the year, 198 attacks were reported versus 174 attacks reported in 2006 during the same time frame. A total of 15 vessels were hijacked, 172 crewmembers were taken hostage, 63 were kidnapped, and 21 were assaulted. If this trend continues, the decline in piracy attacks begun in 2004 will have bottomed out. Crew assaults, kidnapping and ransom rose dramatically from 2006.

Pirate Reporting Bureau

     Well, out here we call them "pirates," Ned.

Because of the resurgence of piracy in the Indian Ocean and elsewhere, I thought I would feature a video that takes us back to a more innocent time.  Loss of an eye ... perhaps the only physical deformity that is appealing to some people, except breast implants.

Arrrrggg indeed.

Monday, February 11, 2008


                Crazy Tasty!

Compared to Hot Pockets, Spam is damn near a health food.
Ingredients: Pork with Ham, Salt, Water, Modified Potato Starch, Sugar, Sodium Nitrite.

Continuing the theme of processed meat murder, here's a poem from Minnesota poet and architect Brinsley Schwartz.


There is no death as low
as being hammered
with Spam uncanned.

In teams or singly
they beat you wiggly
with that jiggly meat-product,
inflaming the tissue 'til
you’re pain and hot gristle.

Bloated and purpled,
groaning plum out of Hell,
you beg for tenderizing and
steaming like a vegetable.

(c) 1998, Courtesy of the Spam Museum Archives.

                        Spam Museum, Austin, Minnesota

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Death by Hot Pockets

    Mein Gott im Himmel!  I repent!!

Forget the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.  When the world ends, we will perish in a fiery blaze of molten cheese and meat-filled pastries.  

Hot Pockets!  

Apocalypse Pockets!

No need to microwave your Hot Pockets in Hell, just wave them over the Lake of Fire.

Hot Pockets!

Hell Pockets!

Hot Pockets Calzone 4 Meat & 4 Cheese

INGREDIENTS:  Water, Unbleached Enriched Flour (Wheat Flour, Malted Barley Flour, Niacin, Reduced Iron, Thiamin Mononitrate, Riboflavin Folic Acid), Cooked Italian Sausage (Pork, Water, Seasoning [Spices, Sugar, Garlic Powder, Natural Flavorings], Salt), Tomato Paste, Green Peppers, Part Skim Mozzarella Cheese With Modified Food Starch (Part Skim Mozzarella Cheese [Pasteurized Milk, Cultures, Salt Enzymes], Modified Food Starch), Imitation Mozzarella Cheese (Water, Modified Food Starch, Casein, Soybean Oil, Whey. Contains Less Than 2% of: Imitation Mozzarella Cheese (Mozzarella Cheese [Milk, Cheese Culture, Salt, Enzymes] Water, Casein Soybean Oil, Food Starch, Whey, Sodium Aluminum Phosphate, Salt, Sodium Phosphate, Lactic Acid, Natural Flavor, Sorbic Acid [As A Preservative], Artificial Color), Cheddar Cheese (Culture Pasteurized Milk, Salt, Enzymes, Annatto), Imitation Cheddar Cheese (Water, Modified Food Starch, Casein, Soybean Oil, Whey, Contains 2% or Less of Salt, Sodium Aluminum Phosphate, Sodium Phosphate, Lactic Acid, Sodium Citrate, Natural Flavor, Sorbic Acid [Preservative] Artificial Color), Sugar, Canadian Style Bacon Made with Pork Sirloin Hips, Chunked and Formed, Smoke Flavor Added (Cured with Water, Salt, Dark Brown Sugar, Dextrose, Sodium Phosphate, Smoke Flavor, Sodium Erythotate, Sodium Nitrate), Seasoned Cooked Beef (Beef, Water, Seasoning [Salt, Spices, Dehydrated Onion, Sugar, Dehydrated Garlic, Caramel Color, Natural Flavor]), Partial Hydrogenated Soybean Oil, Seasoning (Salt, Sugar, Spices, Onion Powder, Methylcellulose, Romano Cheese [Part Skim Cows Milk, Cheese Cultures Salt, Enzymes] Garlic Powder, Xanthan Gum, Locust Bean Gum, Carmine, Disodium Phosphate), Seasoning (Parmesan Cheese, [Part Skim Milk, Cheese Cultures, Salt, Enzymes] Maltodextrin, Whey, Salt, Disodium Phosphate] Dehydrated Red Bell Pepper, Spice, Partially Hydrogenate D Soybean Oil, Maltodextrin, Worcestershire Sauces Solids, [Molasses, Vinegar, Corn Syrup, Salt, Caramel Color, Garlic, Sugar, Spice, Tamarind, Natural Flavor (Dehydrate Parsley, Salt, Citric Acid, Natural Flavor, [From Whey], Potassium Chloride, Sugar, Lactic Acid, Cultured Whey, Calcium Lactate), Baking Powder (Sodium Acid Pyrophosphate, Sodium Bicarbonate, Corn Starch, Monocalcium Phosphate), Partially Hydrogenated Palm Kernel Oil (With Soy Lecithin, Citric Acid As Preservative), Dough Conditioner (Calcium Sulfate, Salt, L-Cysteine Hydrochloride, Garlic Powder, Tricalcium Phosphate, Enzymes, Wheat Starch), Locust Bean Gum, Modified Food Starch, Modified Potato and Corn Starches, Yeast, Parmesan Cheese (Made From Pasteurized Milk, Cheese Culture, Salt, Enzymes), Locust Bean Gum, Modified Food Starch, Modified Potato And Corn Starches, Yeast, Salt, Monocalcium Phosphate, Rice Flour, Tapioca Dextrin, Dried Egg Yolks, Leavening (Sodium Aluminum Phosphate Sodium Bicarbonate), Dextrose, Caramel Color, Xanthan Gum, Soy Flour.