Saturday, October 23, 2010

My iPad Has Been Drinking (Not Me)

Domo Arigato, Mr. Brewboto. 
My iPad drank my Stella. Seriously, I'm not drunk. It's a software glitch.
Welcome to the brave new world of techno-drinking. Strap on your frackin' holobands and board Future Swerve 2010.
Brewing is hop-deep in unseen technology. The only technology drinkers need is a bottle opener (sometimes) and a glass. Darth Glass is the ubiquitous shaker bottom masquerading as a pint glass. Ethan Cox, a Certified Cicerone (beer sommelier) praises them for, "holding liquid in a consistent shape and not leaking."

Glasses vary at deluxe joints like Brewer's Art. Huzzah. Sam Adams steps it up with the Ultimate Boston Lager® glass. Behold laser etching to promote effervescence, a lip that delivers malty flavors to tongue receptors, and a corpulent torso that captures aromatic essences. Too bad it wasn't designed for a better beer.

Sam Adams' design is obsessive but laudable. Miller, on the other hand, has delivered moron technology. Meet the Miller Lite vortex bottle. Because you need a rifled beer neck to coax it out?
I saw a robot cocktail system in Panama. Press the Cuba Libre button and it kerplunks ice, rum, and Coke into a glass. Perfect pour, no theft. One flaw -- only rail liquors were hooked up. 
There is a German model available called The Qube -- Die Cocktailmaschine. I'm not so sure about having a really smart German robot around. I don't want it organizing a putsch with the FryDaddy and InSinkErator. Technologie über alles. iCaramba.
On the non-robot front, who doesn't love a Japanese monkey bartender?

Watch out, Germany, your old Axis pal is coming. Konnichiwa, Asahi beerbot.
Mother's in Federal Hill had a system that dispensed beer from table taps and updated your tab. My email inquiry received no response. Maybe their monkey bartenders are downloading monkey porn.
Geeks at Yelp created an iPad application, the KegBot, that runs a self-serve keg system and tracks individual users. It's mega-geeky-cool and suitable for your frat house or brew pub ... beerus ex machina.
That's all for Tipsy Techday. Now tell us what drinking technology you love and what you hate. Bonus points for technology you make up. As the president of my alma mater DeVry College of Fixing Stuff said, "If you can dream it, someone at MIT can build it."

Photo source: Getty Images 

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